Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. I saw a guy wearing a WWJD bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. Some of you are like, "Oh, that's not nice! Then, we wouldn't have any corn!" My SUV doesn't run on corn. They can do it in Nebraska we don't need that horrible state. Because we owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds with their families, wake up in the morning, have delicious breakfast, and drive to war. Bring the troops home tomorrow, and continue the war here. My show's about bringing the troops home. Really? You did it so your shirts would fit better? You did it because you're a whore, you forgot because you're stupid. I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin' that geriatric for all eternity, that'll really throw the scent off the gay trail. Even in the afterlife, you're a douchebag. You've been punk'd." Arghhh! Damn you, Ashton! That was elaborate. Oh, yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding. What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, "Hey, welcome to fuckin' heaven." I'm like, "What did you say?" "Welcome to fuckin' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "Fuck, yeah, it's fucking heaven" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't fuckin' swear?" "No fuckin' where!" "All right, now you are getting the hang of it. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. I'm trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up! It's bad enough that I'm clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. Well, every time you hit 'A,' it's 'Asian ass porn.'" Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. Google is, like, "I'll take it from here. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A.' It's "Asian ass porn" instantly. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. You've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say: 'well come on, number 8 was the rapist.' Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're. I've watched the deadliest catch on Discovery. You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that? We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. , but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.ĭon't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.
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